Unfinished Loveletter

Dear Tay,

“We might not be together now, but someday we will.”

As I grow older in this chaotic world, I realized that living this world without you is really the hardest thing. Day by day, I often wished I could still hold you in my arms & hug you tight and let you know how much I love you. And if I could have to live my life all over again, I still choose you to be my father and would wish that I'll be born earlier so I can spend my life with you longer.

Each day I'm hoping that one morning when I wake up, you are here in front of me for real.

But I know, it's impossible to happen because you are there in the other part of the world---in Heaven.

Whenever I missed you that much, I just feel my heart with my hand knowing that you never left me- and that you are never forgotten- because its where you resides – forever.

In every birthdays & Christmas or whatever the special occasion may be, I could not feel the true happiness because you are not physically present. I envy those people who still have their parents with them and wished I still have mine. Life would have been better and happier if you are still here- but life as we all know just ends when death takes place.

And I can't breath without you...

I know I may not be your perfect daughter, nor the best child out of 9, but I am so sure that I am the most loving & sweetest out of your 4 girls (mother, 2 sisters and me) & the bravest out of your 6 boys.

I would always start my mornings with you, serving you with your favorite coffee. I remembered how your coffee would have made and that you hate some sugar. You wanted it black & strong and the taste should be very good. Most of all, it should be served hot. I would come to know which bread you would like to eat and which kind you hated the most. I should have be so keen in the sense of my smell to find out if the bread is new or not, just to make sure you won't loose your appetite.

We will have our coffee together in every morning that I'm with you...

but...I'm sorry, Tay...

The truth is: I really don't like how the coffee tastes, I just learned to love them because of you...

In every day, we would sit together and you will tell me all the stories you ever know. I'll just listen to you and feel so amused and happy. You kept telling me random stories that really amazed me. And you smiled whenever I come to know each story you tell.

And so, when I'm in school, I would come to our library and read books. I would have to read every books we have in our home. I would borrow magazines from my friends and neighbors to read a lot of different stories. So, the next day, I could tell you stories you never heard.

And when you smile, you gave me wings I thought I could ever fly.

But I'm sorry, Tay...

The truth is: I really got bored whenever I read some history books. But I just learned to read them because of you.

And in each afternoon when we sit down at the farm, you would sing a song for me and I would request to hear it over and over again. Your golden voice made me feel that I wish I could sing as best as you but I know I couldn't. I would always ask you who is “Carmelita” in your song and if she was ever once your woman.

I always wanted to sing with you...

but I'm sorry, Tay...

“The truth is: I really can't carry a tune, but I chose to sing just because of you...”

Whenever I saw you dance with mother, I would always clap while staring at you both. I would smile and would always willing to learn how to ballroom dance. I've learned how to boogie, cha-cha, tango & waltz. And whenever you dance together, I would dance with you.

But I'm sorry, Tay...

The truth is: I am not really a fan of a ballroom dance, but I learned to dance them just because of you..

In every summer, we used going to the beach and have some fun- swimming. You are a great swimmer then, and I always love to swim. I learned to love the sand and the waves of the warmth water under the bright heat of the sun. I don't mind the sunburns & bruises. I'm just loving the sea water so I could see you smile when you know I'm not scared of drowning to the sea.

But I'm sorry, Tay...

The truth is: I really don't know how to swim, but I learned to love the water because of you...

Whenever I got to climb some mountains or get lost at the forest, I wouldn't have to cry & stop. You always wanted us to be brave, whenever, wherever. So everytime, I would get lost in a dark forest, I would never shout. And when I get home alone, you will smile because you think how brave am I. You even bragged my braveness to your friends.

But I'm sorry, Tay...

The truth is: I am really scared being alone in the dark, but I just face my fears just because of you...

When I have some asssignments of our drawings in school, you are the only one who would do it for me. I would really feel so glad that you draw almost everything for me. It made me happy that I got a highest score. And that's when I begin starting to draw on my own. When I draw some house, trees , clouds & sun, you will laugh at me. And each day, I would draw you random things about your favorite scene so you could smile.

But I'm sorry, Tay...

The truth is: I am not really good in drawings, but I learned to practice hard just because of you...

Whenever I saw you writing all your herbal medicines in your notebook, and all the herbal medicines you used to heal and treat people, I would always memorize it. Sometimes, I would secretly open your notes and begin to memorize each plants and its usage. So that whenever you have some patients to deal with, I would tell you what herbal medicines they need in order to get cured, and when you smile, I feel that I am the brightest child of the world...

But I'm sorry, Tay...

The truth is: I've find it hard and weird to memorize hundred of herbal medicines, but I learned to memorize them just because of you...

And each time you will leave to cure the patients in some distant places, I would go with you. I would let you know how brave I am even if I am too young. I've been your assistant nurse to all your dying patients and bravely staring at them knowing that they might die soon.

But I'm sorry, Tay...

The truth is: I am really scared whenever I see a dying patient...I almost die, but I need to be brave just because of you...

When we got some serious talk and you asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I told you that I wanted to be a doctor or a nurse, just like you. To heal people and to help people. And one day, when you get sick and mother, I will take care of you both.I will nurse you in order to get you well. When you grow old, I would be very sure that you will be taken care of at my very best.

But I'm sorry, Tay...

The truth is: I am scared of blood...and when I saw you puking of blood, I guess my heart stops beating...but I dreamed of that profession just because of you...

And each time you will always tell us you are dying and that you never wanted us to cry. You would always remind us that we should not cry when the person dies, instead we should show emotions to people who are alive and that who can still appreciate our actions. You told us that crying over to someone who are dead is pointless & useless because they can never hear it or feel it anymore.

You will repeatedly tell us that we will never cry when you die...

But I'm sorry, Tay...

The truth is: I can't help not to cry when you die...and it's all because of you...

I'm sorry, Tay...

The truth about your favorite little girl is that:

I am scared being alone.

I can cry a lot.

I am not perfect.

I have so many mistakes.

And

vulnerable like some other girl...

I'm sorry, Tay...

This is me:

perfectly imperfect.

–--u n f i n I s h e d---

(to be continued...)